It Was Not My Fault

I gained five pounds last month.

But it was not my fault.

First, there was the post-Easter sale of 1-pound chocolate Easter bunnies at Wal-Mart. The price was such a bargain that I bought at least ten. Whatever weight I gained from eating those was Wal-Mart's fault.

It certainly was not my fault.

Next, there was the terrific sale at McDonald's on double cheeseburgers. I ate there early and often. Whatever weight I gained from eating those double cheeseburgers was McDonald's fault.

It certainly was not my fault.

Then our local drug store proprietor gave us a box of candies. We fully intended to pass it along to a friend we were planning to visit, but she was ill, and so we brought them home and I ate them. He shouldn't have given us that box of candies, and she shouldn't have been ill. If I gained weight because of those candies, it was their fault.

It certainly was not my fault.

Finally, one evening recently, Ms. Eclectic wasn't home for dinner, so I wandered up the street to the local pizza establishment. Well, I'll be. They had a two-for-one special on all-meat pizzas. I couldn't resist, so I bought two. I ate one that night and the other the next day for lunch. If those pizzas contributed to my weight gain, it was the fault of Godfather's Pizza.

It certainly was not my fault.

And if I have a heart attack because of my having eaten these things, it will be because there are too many fast-food outlets around.

It certainly will not have been my fault.

I think I will sue somebody.